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Author Topic: New Beginnings Chapter One Story Corrections: A comparison.  (Read 1278 times)
Yukigo Kurosaki
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« on: December 17, 2010, 11:37:10 PM »

Alright, after a VERY helpful review from Quoting_Mungo, I retooled Chapter one of New Beginnings a bit and hopefully made it better. I'd like any more comments, thoughts and otherwise ideas you had. Compare both and tell me if you like the things I changed, if I need to change more, or if I changed something I shouldn't have.

I'll be editing Chapter one on Furrag to this new altered version.

The Review from Quoting_Mungo:

First of all, I'd move the non-story content at the beginning of the chapter to the Story Notes or Chapter Notes; that's what they're there for.

Secondly, you seem to be setting this earlier than most of Doove's own chakat stories; in those taur-model cars and video calls over the comm seem to be standard, yet you are referring to older technology and seem to imply the car has been hastily modified rather than crafted with taurform characters in mind. Keep in mind chakats aren't the only taurform species in the setting, if indeed you are using the official setting. (If not, that might be worth noting.) You also at one point describe a character putting hir paws on hir hips; mind that you don't use "paw" to mean "hand," since these characters would very definitely have both.

In general, I suspect you may be tripping over terminology here and there; you describe a 1000 sqm, two-story house as "fairly big", nevermind it has to be about 50 by 100 meters to get that floorspace. That'd be big for a horse! I'd in general advise using comparisons rather than measurements where possible; rather than saying how many centimeters deep the water is, have the character approximate how far up hir leg it would reach if shi stepped in it, and so on.

In a more craft-related note, you slip back and forth between past and present tense, and also sometimes keep tense when you shouldn't (using past tense for a sentence along the lines of "chakats were hermaphrodites" suggests that this is no longer the case, which can have... unfortunate implications).

Be careful with your reader's suspension of disbelief; you're needlessly straining it when you have your character register for school on a Sunday for no apparent reason.

You're setting the situation up fairly well, building a foundation for future plot, but occassionally you get bogged down in descriptions, and when you do it sounds like you got out the thesaurus, as well. The particularly jarring descriptive passages, I'd say, is the paragraph where Silverpaw first describes hirself, and the description of the forest when shi first jogs to school. See about trimming some descriptions, and at the same time possibly also slow down the final scene a little, as it comes off as rushed compared to the rest of the chapter.

A couple of typoes and homophones have snuck in here and there, as well; see if you can find a friend willing to proofread for you to catch them.

Author's Response:

Alright! A true "review" of the story. I'll refer to each in order here.

    * General Notes: Thank you very much for the review, I've given it a thorough readthrough and now that you mention it, I can see many of those errors that you have graciously pointed out. I'll try and point out each paragraph for a more in depth summary.
    * Non Story Content: I'll just delete that, that was meant for SoFurry anyway and doesn't really apply here.
    * Setting: Alright, this could be a sticky situation here. Now that you mention it, I never did give much regard to setting here. I'm not really good at writing stories in the future, so I guess my mind automatically took the Chakonian universe and shifted it back in time. Of course I will have to mention this some way, but to be honest, I don't know how. An Annotation perhaps? But where do I put it, story notes, summary? I don't know, I'll need help with that.
          o Paw vs. Hand: I generally use "paw" to mean hand and "forepaw" to mean the feral upper paws on the lower torso. I beleive I've been doing that, have I not? Should I put in an annotation?
    * Measurements: Sweet Mother of Jesus... 1000 sqm? What on earth was I thinking then? You've certainly got a valid point on that one. I don't know how to give house sizes in anything other than square footage (or in this case, meterage), I mean, can't really compare it to another house. I guess I'll just give approximates when it comes to that. (And of course, tone it down a bit.) The other measurements I could easily compare to another figure, and I probably will.
    * Tenses: I do tend to switch tenses, but, as far as I know, I do it correctly. English is my native language and I tend to write it how it is spoken. Not sure if it is technically correct, but I know that it is mostly correct. Though you do have a point. Past tense for certain descriptions does lead to some confusion for sure (the chakats were herms point being the main one,) so I'll correct that.
    * Disbelief: Well shi'd have to register sometime, but you're right, Sunday is an odd day. I'll add the point that they arranged a special meeting with the principal to get hir enrolled. I'll be careful to avoid sitations like that in the future.
    * Descriptions: Really? I thought I was using just the right amount of description, but I'll see if I can cut a bit off. And as far as the final passage, you're right, I was rushing that, I was so thrilled to get it out I guess I just rushed it forward, I tend to do that. Cut the fat on first part and add more beef to the last, got it.
    * Typos/Homophones: I made mistakes? What? Where? How?
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 11:54:04 PM by Yukigo Kurosaki » Logged

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it has the habit of killing its pupils.
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